macncheese45

I have it set up: Skruffie

Now I am just wondering on where to go from here now. Hm.. Well, I do know I'm going to write down the usernames of all my friends so I can put them on my watch list. And also the usernames of all the artists I still want to watch.

I have one picture finished for submission at that account, and another WIP. Both are digital, neither are dolls.

I'm submitting any new dolls over at What The Muffin?! (my username there is Coldsnapmac) and I plan on making a dolling website too.. I kind of did do that actually, but Freewebs is being a dick and not working properly, so that will be a while.

But yes.

I have had this account since I was 13 years old. I played neopets still for fuck's sake. XD That is where this username came from. My neopets username at the time was mac_n_cheese45. It's still there if you want to look at it, but nothing is really on there anymore. Who the hell still plays neopets anyway?

With this account, I didn't like submitting journals because the journal page for me lags so badly. D: I have journals on here from when I was still a really fucking stupid 13 year old spaz person type thing. But hey. I am turning 18 in a few months. n_n But god damn, all those old journals really lag my computer.

Hm...

My character Mac, the one I never draw anymore (sadly), came from that neopets username. People in the forums called me Mac and it eventually evolved from posting to roleplaying (really badly, mind you) and then Mac just kind of appeared.

So yeah, this account still means a lot to me. I've had it for such a long time, but it's getting crusty. My gallery feels really disorganized with half of it being really old art that is hidden and most of it dolls from when my tablet pen nib broke, and it just kinda spiraled dooowwn. I dun like it. Frankly, I don't want to invest so much time into fixing it too because this account isn't a portfolio or something. It's something I created for fun and I used it for an image hosting service back when dA still allowed hotlinking (now THAT is a bit of history for you!).

So I'm starting fresh on here.

I'll be logging in now and then to clean up my watch list and shit, but I won't be posting on this account any longer.  

Remember, my new account is here: Skruffie

See you over there!

Oofah.

Well, let's see here. How is a good way to start this? (Don't worry, this journal entry should be a positive one :] Sorta.)

To start, I didn't have any idea on how I would be after I realized I wasn't traumatized from a certain event... quite frankly, I was scared because it seemed like I had lived as a traumatized individual for SO LONG and I didn't know any other way to live. Pff, yeah, pathetic. XD Really I had only had the symptoms for a little over a year.

I think the reason why I felt like I wouldn't be able to be "me" without being traumatized by SOMETHING is because I was still undergoing the aftereffects of, to be blunt, emotional abuse by my teachers in middle school. Now that I am not traumatized by this one thing, I am still dealing with these effects from years and years ago, but the tricky thing is that I think they are rooted in the grief, so it's going to take a while to go though it..

But that's why I am not going to go to college straight after highschool; why I am taking a year off.

And.. I feel like that after I deal with that and I face going to college, it really will be like a very fresh start because if I think back to a time before I got traumatized by ANYTHING, that takes me to like... 3rd grade. Eesh. I can't go back to that. Childhood has been gone for a while now.

So after all this... it really is going to be new.

And the other thing I wanted to say was this: Lately I have felt like I didn't know who I was at all. XD It felt like after I am done with dealing with the bad stuff, then who would I be after that? But that's a bad way to think because that stuff doesn't define me, or at least it shouldn't. If it did, then I would be "That girl whose sister died and got sexually harassed in 9th grade. The girl who couldn't pass any classes until 11th grade.", etcetc. Fuck that!

.. agh, I keep getting distracted and forgetting my train of thought

Oh! Yeah. But I just realized that the reason why it feels like I don't know who I am is because I haven't discovered that yet. Adulthood might bring that forth... it might throw me events that will show what I am made of. The past years were just warm ups (oh god) or whatever.

So yes.

XD Ha, this all got brought on because I am thinking of making an entirely new account on dA. I could use a fresh start here.

But yes. I'm quite excited to meet who I am. It's a very rocky journey though. o.0

Also, one last thing...I intend on calling the teacher that told me to get over my sister's death and tell her that she never did, and never will hold me back. I will tell her how she nearly destroyed my self-confidence (I still struggle with that sometimes :[ ) but I have been working on it... I will tell her that I will send her pictures from my graduation with a smile on my face and my middle finger pointed up to say "Fuck you, I graduated you emotionally abusive person".. I want to tell her that all I learned from her was that all teachers are awful people, and I want to tell her that there is a teacher at my school that proved that statement to be wrong.

She'll be on speakerphone, and I want my parents to be in the same room with me so they can hear her replies.

God damn, I'm so going to do that. I need closure.

Oh man, I really am learning a lot this year.

Now, I'm off to go think of usernames.

Thanksgiving! Have a happy one



And this is a rant that I've been wanting to type for a few days now: I LOVE WINTER.

I love snow. At this time last year it was snowing a lot, and I looooved how the streetlights reflected off of it at night because it made the snow appear to glow softly and it was a beautiful color. If one listens closely, they can hear that snow makes a very very very gentle sound when it is falling, and it is so peaceful and quiet and it's just awesome. I found that snow is also comfortable to lay on when making a snow angel but one shouldn't lay there too long. D: Sadly. If it wasn't so cold and wet and meltable then it would make a very comfortable bed.

I love sitting in front of the fire drinking coffee in the morning while it's still dark and listening to the news or to whoever is sitting there at the moment. Sometimes I sat alone and just thought about whatever.

I love the smell of Christmas tree lots. Sadly my parents made the decision to stop buying real christmas trees and instead we are going to have a fake one to put up.. when I have kids then we'd start getting real trees again, but that is so far awaaaay~.. I was telling dad that when I learn how to drive, I am going to drive myself to a christmas tree lot every year just so I can smell it for a few minutes. I love the smell of pine trees.

Winter brings out my inner child. When I was younger, my grandparents and I would go to Big Bear, CA (up in northern Cali) and hang out with relatives up there, and it snowed there in the winter... I remember my uncle taking us out to a forest and up a hill for sledding. :3 My sister and I had a snowball fight once and I threw a snowball at her face.

I can still remember the first time I saw it snowing, not just snow on the ground. I was in Colorado with my grandparents and other relatives for the holidays when I was woken up at like 7 in the morning by my aunt going "Bekka... it's snowing", and I woke up INSTANTLY and pulled on a sweater and such and just ran outside. They were trying to get me to put on more layers but I was way too excited, and I stood out there for prolly a full five minutes just watching it snow and marvelling at how soft freshly-fallen snow was. It was so beautiful.

So yes.

I

LOVE

THE WINTERTIME


And I really want to see snow~ It's been getting frosty in the early AM, which is exciting for me but not for my parents or aunt because they drive. XD They don't like driving in the snow or anything, and I might end up with that viewpoint as well, so for now I am going to enjoy it as much as I can.

Okay, so last year on this day I was so determined to smash out sexual harassment and it was a good day, but today I am twitchy and almost have a panic attack? How the fuck does that work?

Tis been two years since the incident I reported to the counselor.

But uh yeah, it was weirdly fascinating how I kept flinching or wanting to fall over if I saw him and how I got a very very bad feeling of dread during lunch that carried over to the minutes before math where I had that dizzying "I need to get the fuck out of here" feeling I get before a panic attack, but luckily in both instances (the dread and that feeling) I got distracted/distracted myself and the panickyness faded.

In other news, uh... there is none.

I need to carry a rubberband with me or something.

This school year has a lot of emotional confusion

And funny mental images of my face slamming into the ground

... or the ground slamming into my face... whatever

and also willing that certain projects turn into bricks so I can smash things

andandand then more confusion

and sometimes hating human emotion

confusion again

and the bad grammar of this journal entry

then forgetting about all of it during a particularly hilarious conversation

and then feeling the urge to throw up when one remembers it all.

But really, I'm not depressed or anything, I felt a need to kinda scratch the surface and do a bit of venting. It's a difficult school year.

I just kinda have a knack for fucking things up sometimes

At least they're fixable, right?